When You Don’t Feel Like Yourself Anymore: Finding Your Way Back Gently

Who am I?

What do I like?

What do I need?

Sound familiar?

Maybe there’s a feeling of stuckness, or a sense that something feels missing, but you can’t fully explain what it is. Perhaps you feel like you want something for yourself outside of simply surviving, parenting, working, coping, or just getting through the day. But when you stop and try to think about what you actually enjoy, what makes you feel like you, or what you feel passionate about, your mind draws a blank.

Sometimes, after spending so long focusing on everyone else, responsibilities, or simply trying to keep life going, we can slowly begin to feel disconnected from ourselves. I know for me, becoming a mum changed so much about life, relationships, routines, and at times even my sense of who I was. Somewhere between caring for a baby, sleepless nights, work, responsibilities, and continuing to function through exhaustion, I suddenly realised I didn’t quite know myself anymore outside of that role.

Perhaps hobbies disappeared somewhere along the way. Maybe time feels non-existent for things you once enjoyed. Your confidence feels different. Your clothes no longer feel like “you,” or perhaps you’ve outgrown many of the things you once loved. And underneath it all can be a quiet feeling of:

What now?

I remember people asking me:

“What did you do this weekend?”

And honestly, what I wanted to say was:

“I barely slept.

I barely ate.

I barely had time to go to the toilet.

I spent most of the weekend comforting my child, tidying where I could, and trying to cope with everything.”

But instead, my answer was usually:

“Not much.”

I never wanted to sound ungrateful.

I have always loved my child deeply, which sometimes made the guilt even harder.

At times, I even found myself thinking:

“What’s wrong with me?”

But the truth was, nothing was wrong with me. I was overwhelmed. Touched out. Sleep deprived. Emotionally exhausted. And I couldn’t remember the last time I had done something purely for myself.

Sometimes, we can also feel guilty for wanting something outside of the responsibilities and expectations we carry. As though needing space for ourselves somehow means we’re ungrateful for the life, people, or responsibilities we love. But wanting to reconnect with yourself doesn’t mean you love others any less. It simply means there is a part of you that needs care too.

Finding yourself again after a major life transition can feel incredibly difficult. It’s not only motherhood that can create this feeling.

I remember during COVID, one day my identity revolved around work. It gave me structure, routine, purpose, and familiarity. Then suddenly, overnight, I was at home constantly for months. At first, that adjustment felt huge. Then slowly, I adapted to that version of life too. But when the time came to return to work again, I struggled far more than I expected. It felt as though the version of me that existed before no longer fully fit anymore. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to place myself back into the life I had before in the same way. Almost as though I had outgrown parts of myself, my routines, or the identity I once held onto.

Sometimes, life transitions change us quietly. While growth and change can be natural, they can also leave us wondering where we went in all of it.

What I’ve come to realise is that, in these moments, we can unknowingly shift into survival mode. We focus on coping, caring for others, meeting responsibilities, and simply getting through each day. Slowly, without even fully realising it, we stop asking ourselves:

What do I need?

Over time, our own wants, needs, interests, and identity can quietly move further into the background. Not because they aren’t important, but because there simply hasn’t been the space, energy, or emotional capacity to focus on them. Sometimes, after functioning in survival mode for so long, it can begin to feel unfamiliar to even think about ourselves anymore. We may not know what brings us joy now. What helps us feel grounded. Or who we are outside of the identities we carry. That’s more common than you might think.

So how do we begin reconnecting with ourselves again?

Slowly. Gently. With curiosity rather than pressure.

Sometimes, reconnecting with yourself doesn’t begin with huge changes or suddenly “finding your purpose.” It starts with small moments. Giving yourself permission to notice what you need. Allowing yourself rest without guilt. Letting yourself exist as you are, rather than constantly feeling like you have to cope. It’s also about recognising that identity naturally evolves through different stages of life. Growth and grief can exist together. You can grieve parts of who you once were, whilst also becoming curious about who you are now becoming.

Perhaps that looks like asking yourself:

What feels like me now?

What do I enjoy?

What do I want more of in my life?

What parts of myself have I lost touch with?

There isn’t a “right” way to find yourself again. Reconnecting with yourself begins in very small ways. Even ten minutes of quiet. A moment to breathe. Space to slow down enough to notice how you actually feel. These moments can begin to help us feel calmer, more grounded, and more connected with ourselves again.

Counselling can also offer a space to explore who you are now, outside of the pressure to keep coping, performing, or appearing okay. A space to reconnect with yourself at your own pace.

If this resonated with you, and you feel disconnected from yourself or unsure who you are underneath everything you’re carrying, counselling can offer a space to begin exploring that gently, with support alongside you. You don’t have to figure it all out alone.